I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
