I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
