I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
