If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
