FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
