My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm getting married
To pizza
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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