I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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