it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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