At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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