We won't sleep together?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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