Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
