If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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