Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Hippo gnu deer
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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