I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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