I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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