neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
