i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
