please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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