she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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