I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
