So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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