and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
