so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
