neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
