I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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