mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
