I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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