I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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