You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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