It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
