He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
