Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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