Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
