I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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