Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
