i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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