so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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