just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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