Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
