just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
someone owes me an orgasm
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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