my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
