need another drink. this is the easiest way
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
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Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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