I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
