well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
