so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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