It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
