I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
