Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
