Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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