Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
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He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
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You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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