I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
