Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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