he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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