I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
