The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
