Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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