Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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